Darkness and it's Shadow

Another wasted day in bonded labour, I contemplate as I walk back from my routine rendezvous with my favourite 'stick' - most consider it a vice, I just let it be for now. As I make the arduous journey to my seat - they make an appearance, all 3 at once, which is quite rare.. idum as always is ranting about the need for a revolution, marie is excited about the other 'voice' we seem to interact with quite often these days and mudi as always is very reserved and guarded with regards to the various implications.

Marie has just made her arrival known to us, and she is still an enigma. We knew she existed yet she was always regarded as that old Banyan tree that everybody acknowledged but ignored; right until the tree spoke. I figure she's the oldest and yet the more naive, I may be wrong - wouldn't be the first time. I also hope neither mudi nor idum influence her and rather let her discover her own Voice. It is imperative for my growth that she does.

They all have a story.. perhaps another day, another time.

On my return journey, I come across a number of people who I have interacted with, one way or the other and each glance is met with a vague smile or a knowing acknowledgement.. I haven't made up my mind on them all yet. I want to explain, to probe, to question, to evaluate (that would be mudi, as Sue is so painfully aware of) and I want to explore. I long for an ear; I had a willing ear but I guess I let that go by with my ignorance, one i'm afraid will never come back - Yes, Shruts, I can be a monumental klutz when you think about it. =)

Maybe, THIS is the long-awaited ear I have yearned for and not the kind i have been searching for. 'Timing', unfortunately has never been my super-power.

It is time to go home, but I fear the familiar environment and the impeding emotions it brings along. I'd rather stay here in this place that makes me uncomfortable only because it makes me question. Questions without the answers or answers that I do not want to know. Someone once said, "If you are drawn to unhappiness, you will never run short of friends" - I wonder how sad or popular he may have been. I know him not but I, for the sake of argument shall acknowledge his grasp on the subject to have made such a statement.

Desolation -
Is it something we crave for knowingly or unknowingly?
What is it that draws us to this bleakness?
Why is every conquest of a hill followed by a despairing plummet to a valley?
Does it make us appreciate the good things better?
Is it an inbuilt flaw in the character?
Does this make me a degenerate?

We yearn for the highs yet we constantly mire in the lows. As I pose these questions, I can picture the swift flow of 'rebukes'... the gesticulations, the views and the so very true messages of pick-ups. I understand but I shall side-step them all, just this once. All it needs to get past this is a knowing hug, maybe a distant but feeling smile.. maybe it needs more than that. This is more personal than I intended to make it and it will get its share of disapproving clucks, and shakes - There is nothing to Gain here and possibly all to Lose, but it's here and I guess it shall be.

Que sera sera - Blood does taste sweet.

Happy People make me happy;
Sad People intrigue me;
Angry People amuse me;
Confused People inspire me.

I guess this is truly a musing of a muddled mind, albeit temporarily. And I shall be back to my usual gloating self not far from now -- mudi wants to add a humor quotient to do damage control, idum says 'Fuck It! -Let's make people uncomfortable and get them thinking'... and I think I hear marie whisper, 'It's alright, those who need to know will figure it out, if they must and the rest will do what they have to'.

I wonder if the need for pain overrides the need for contentment.
~mudassar

The Stranger

I close the door and I note,
It is him; a person I think I know.
Know him well or know him not
A debate, I’m not sure I’m up for

He looks right into my eyes,
And away the moment I shy away
Familiar is this moment, a certain déjà vu
And unknown is that face, I surmise

There are lines under his eyes
And a devilish glint in them..
Flaws a plenty on the outskirts
Yet they all fall in place.

The music continues unaware
The party finds no reason to pause
The happenings continue to play
Four witnesses to a skit played often enough; these walls

I start a man-made waterfall
Baptizing myself in this water
Holy it is not, Heavenly I now feel
The old wilts and the new peeks

I hear my name being called
The voice is one I want to hear often
It calls me and I want out
I want to prance, dance, jump to it.

I look up and he is there looking
Looking back at me like he never left
My lips stretch making way for teeth
The skin feels taut and bumps begin to form

I can feel it course through my veins
I can feel it slow my heart to a murmur
I can feel it make my eyes glaze over
I can feel it make my hands go numb

The smile has made way to a laugh
And I find myself laughing with this person
He is not any stranger; he is MY stranger
He is I and I am him.

I baptize myself again
Ready to go another round
I am complete and yet alone
I am happy and I am afraid

I decide to go back out to the voice
I decide I will not bid adieu to him
I decide I will come back, sometime later
I know I will enjoy this night

If you do happen to see him
Tell him “I’m sorry”
Tell him, “I had to go see about a girl”
He’ll understand for he is I.

I would like to thank the people who have been a part of my life and have stuck by me through the hils and the valleys. I'd like to thank the 'voice' who reminded me how much fun it is to let go. I'd like to thank the guardians who watch my back and who take the mickey out of me at the slightest notice. I would like to thank the 'stranger' that is my mother's son for the hope. I thank them all for they already know all of the above without me even having to mention it.
~much love

dreams that rock..on and on!

Zan told me to watch it..he said its really neat..some others said its good. I chose to go with zan. But I somehow managed to miss the movie at the theatre. I came from work the other day and had nothing much to do. And the door bell rang. It was the CD dude with some cd’s. For a change, he said he din have English movies. So? He had ‘Rock On’. He said the print was good. I would’ve taken it otherwise too. Well, I have this habit of going on and on about things that catch my eye. Rock On caught both. Why? Let’s see how best I can answer that on this editor.

I heard Mudi tell Raul a few days back, ‘Live the dream’. In context to something that’s just a thought today. Ironically, the movie pretty much sums this thought. Literally. A dream is just a thought before you give it wings. And let it fly. Freely. Is it never too late to realize a dream or is it just an exciting script for celluloid? I guess I may not be able to answer the question. But I believe in the answer.

There a 2 sides to a coin. Why, there is 2 sides to us. Front and back. Why should an opinion be any different? It can ignite a candle or burn down a house. Here (read: in the movie) it did both. Burnt a friendship. Scarred it for life, they thought. It could’ve. But all it takes is one from the crowd to believe. And believe until life depends on it. Sometimes all it takes is to make an attempt. To believe you can make an attempt. An attempt to turn to a previous page. A page that held beautiful memories. And some heartfelt stories. Like Rob does(in the movie). It hurts when today’s dream shatters. It kills when a life lasting dream breaks. Live it. For a day. For an hour. But live it. Basically, the movie is our story, yours and mine.

We all have a past of younger days, of younger lives and of younger thoughts. Do our thoughts grow older? Or do they mature? Or do we not know the difference and not talk about it to ourselves? Aditya chose to do it. His life seemed complete 10 years after he parted ways with his friends. Seemed complete. But life and a buried dream never departed his existence. He was lucky. Life does not give everyone a second chance. But sometimes you have to create it.

Today I may not need Aditya, Joe, Rob and KD to tell me to live a dream. But we’re all subsets of these guys. To live a dream and to pursue it are two separate tangents (rich, I hope the usage is right!). They lived a dream and then buried it only to pursue it when it mattered the most. In hindsight, its easy to realize this from the movie. Is it easy to realize this in our lives? Perhaps not. No surprise that a million dreams are broken everyday.

Rock On’s a good watch, if you fail to see the matter and understand the subject. Life takes many deviations. None of them’s a U-turn. We have one shot at glory. The path to get there may not be the one we want to tread upon today. But the vision needs to be planted at the destination. Coz just like the movie, life has to end. At a point, where you can look back and see your footprints on the sands of time. Crooked. But they started somewhere. They have ended where you stand today. You make a choice where you want to stand. And run to get there.