Its time to hold on and lift the jar,
Now you know who you and I are.
Run down a stream of hope,
I’m held by a string, not a rope.
My love is all dried,
Ever since I lost my bride.
This time you’re hurt, but I need to heal.
It’s all wise, but I need the moment to feel.
Slower still, I desire a laugh against my will.
Walk the mile as if you’re dressed to kill.
But it may need all the might and some more guile.
Now is the time to try a trick as I lie down for a while.
It just got better than the sound of flow.
Let’s rise above the water to see the night glow.
The darker the sight is, the stronger the might.
Find the bait or just wait for the great white.
Quietly, I walk through the night hiding from my shadow.
The tree has shed more than its worth of high and low.
I need a walk home and find the path to get there.
The time might be right, but someone’s got to pay the fare.
The road is busy and so are the men walking there.
It may feel like you need much more than a dare.
Run before they point a finger at you and your dope.
I’d still say that I’m held by a string, not a rope.
7 comments:
really nice suheim..
read this a while back.. and well what can I say, really liked it again. Just a thought, now that you've been getting some really good thought flow behind this, a chance for a little critique perhaps.
Maybe we can start working a bit on the grammar- punctuations et al; just to get a better feel.
I understand every writer has his/her styles, infact there was this one famous poet (whose name i can't place right now) that would make up words/ alter their spellings to go with the rhyme sequence which was later dubbed as eccentrically brilliant and they even had a name for it!!
hmmm...why don u throw some more light on it mudi man..cud do with the help..
lessee now...take this for instance
"Walk the mile AS IF you’re dressed to kill.
BUT IT MAY NEED ALL THE MIGHT AND SOME MORE GUILE.
Now is the time to try a trick as I lie down for a while. "
One interesting bit being after the '.' at the end of the first line here, you start off with 'But it may need...' theoretically, you never start a sentence with 'But' also, the sentence doesn sound perfectly right wrt 'but it may need all the might and some more guile" - the 'some more guile' could have done with a better formation wrt words....
The point being with my earlier comment that theroretically, phonetically, grammatically - there may be a gadzillion mistakes by everyone whose ever given a hand at writing, but at the same time the beauty of writing is that it gives you immense freedom to do word-play, mix n match..infact even create your own lingo...hell, if "chaddies" could make it to websters, what can't??!? (hence, my exapmle of that very famous poet). I can give you another example of the book i'm currently reading, in terms of grammer and all that comes in between; everything is a mess, but its still a damn good read.
My only critique would probably be a better choice of forming certain sentences, get a lil more creative by playing various words/sounds in your head constantly, to make it sound different and maybe more incisive.. also, it wouldn hurt to sometimes be a lil more direct, vague is brilliant but there's no satisfaction like having someone read your work and connect with what your thoughts were instantaneously (not counting shruthi in this :P)
Some things that I noticed... I hope i wasn't too critical... :)
just realised, that WAS kinda long eh? :)
I agree with mudi in the sense that some of your lines don't fit the tempo/rhythm of the rest of the poem.. but i'm also aware that you write each of these things in 10 mins(I really don't know how you do that!).. so maybe you could spend some more time and fix a few things..
10 mins ? That's quick... I ain't criticizing here, if I start you'll see a lot of form/rhyme/meter being thrown around... but I'll say this - sometimes, a string serves way better than a rope.
A suggestion if I may - try playing with free verse. I think you'll be good with that.
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